Lately I’ve been visiting forums for people affected by cancer. One issue that seems to cause great hurt is when someone inevitably says ‘the wrong thing’.  It’s something I touched on in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey, so I decided to share my thoughts with you:

“Shock can make people say the most appalling things.  In the UK we have an expression ‘open mouth and insert foot’ – very strange I know. I’m not sure why we refer to saying something insensitive as ‘putting our foot in it’ (although it may have a farming connection), but we do. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be caused by shock, just by not thinking before speaking. 

You will probably find that many people say ‘the wrong thing’ to you.  I could quite possibly be one of them.  You could get horribly offended about that.  You could even tell yourself for years about how thoughtless they have been. If this has already happened to you, then pause for a moment. Can you remember a time when you said something you regretted? It could have been in an interview, or the heat of an argument. You probably knew it was the wrong thing to say almost at once. Did you apologise and fix the issue then, or let it fester until later? 

None of us is immune from saying something that could cause offence, so don’t punish someone who makes that mistake. Tell yourself “Oh, they didn’t mean it like that.” Then let it go and move on. If it’s a big issue, and you can’t do that yet, then talk to them. The person may not even realise they offended you, and may quickly be able to make amends. Just be aware of the advice often given to couples. Don’t attack the person for their mistake, this will only put them on the defensive. Instead, talk in terms of how their comments made you feel. Don’t be attached to how they respond, just know that you’ve let it out and let it go. 

Another problem that can occur is if you become scared of saying the wrong thing to your loved one. You may dumb down your conversations with them for fear of offending with your words. Doing this, though, is far worse than making a blunder. What your loved one needs more than ever is to be able to communicate with you. They can’t do this if you are watching your words so much that you don’t say what you really feel.

So please don’t hold on to things that others say to you, especially when emotions are running high. This will free you to speak fearlessly as well. If you have said something you regret, let the person know. Forgive yourself first, and then tell them what you wish you had said or done.”

Extracted from Their Cancer – Your Journey ©2008 Anne Orchard

Maybe you think that what your friend, relative or acquaintance said to you is completely unforgivable, but I hope not. Holding resentment towards another person will do you more harm than them.  If you must, have a moan about their thoughtless words, but then let them go. Then you can concentrate on dealing with your feelings.

Anne Orchard