When a family member receives a cancer diagnosis, one of the things you may fear most is discussing this devastating news with your children. If you’re wondering how to best approach the cancer subject with your kids, here are some hints that may make the conversation easier.

First, take into account the child’s age. Older children need more information than younger ones. Essentially, most professionals divide children into two age groups with regard to information about illness.

1. Children under the age of 8 – These children don’t need a lot of detailed information. They should be told that there is a part of the patient’s body that is not working the way that it should and that it will need medicine or an operation to get better. Children this age don’t really need much information beyond this about the disease, but they do need to know how the illness and its treatment will affect their lives. For example, if the cancer is in a parent, they may see big changes at home, and they should be prepared for these. However, if the cancer is in a relative who does not live with you, and for whom you will not be providing regular care, they may need very little further information.
2. Children over the age of 8 – These children can handle, and will expect, more detailed information. But, again, the age of the child must be taken into account. Older children may be scientifically interested in the disease, and may benefit from reading material and pictures aimed at their reading and maturity level. They can also foresee consequences better than younger children – but not as well as an adult. They may have many questions about the future. Encourage them to ask questions, and answer them as honestly as you can. But, don’t plant questions that they may not have had on their own.

It’s important to realize that, to a large degree, your children will react to a diagnosis based on your reaction. If you are obviously worried and upset, they will have more fear than if you are calm and reassuring. This in no way implies that you should lie to your children about the diagnosis. However, you should not plan to talk to your children when you are very upset.

A diagnosis of cancer in your family is not something you should try to hide from your children. They will know that something is going on – and if you hide it, they are likely to think that the situation is very serious. It’s far better to tell them what’s going on from the very beginning; though you may choose to give them pieces of the picture a little at a time.

Be certain to prepare your children for a visit to their loved one, if necessary. If they haven’t paid them a visit for a while, many physical changes may have occurred. For example, a child could be very frightened by a loved one’s sudden hair loss, if they are not prepared for it ahead of time. Remind your child that their loved one is still the same person, but that the medicine and the illness have made them look a little different. Once prepared for such a change, most children handle it quite well.

When the prognosis is of your loved one’s cancer is bleak, it is important to talk with your children about the future. Again, keep the information basic and geared toward their age level, but prepare them for their loved one’s death if it is inevitable and quickly approaching.

As with many parenting challenges, you’ll find that you learn as you go in regards to discussing cancer with your children. Once you’ve given them the basics, let them know that they can ask you questions whenever they have them and then let them take the lead. Some children will want more information than others. Listen to them carefully and follow your instincts. Children are very resilient, and with a little care in how the subject is approached, they will adjust to the new situation appropriately.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

More information helpful with Communication Issues.

Further Cancer Book Reviews

Further Resources

Living Sunny Side Up
Helping Children in Families with a Parent Diagnosed with Cancer