Losing a brother, sister, or friend often has greater long-term emotional impact than the loss of a loved one from another generation. The sibling or friend is more likely to have been part of your social and support network. Their loss can often cause a redirection of your life.
On the surface the loss of a sibling or friend may seem a ‘lesser’ trauma than the death of a partner or a parent. However, it depends on your relationship, and there are other factors involved here. It has often been said that we can choose our friends, but not our family. So the loss of a friend involves the disappearance of someone you spent time with because you wanted to. You may have spent the time of your friend’s illness feeling at a loss as to how to help, and wished you had been able to do more. You may also be involved with supporting other loved ones – a partner or child who has been bereaved for instance.
It may seem difficult to address your own grief, as you busy yourself caring for others. In this case, check to see that you are taking care of your own needs – which are just as valid as those of the people that society may regard as ‘closer’ to the deceased. Look over the stages of grief and tasks of mourning described here. Some or all of these will apply to you too. By all means offer your support to others, as long as you are looking after yourself and your own mourning too.
It may also be that your friend was part of your support network. If so you will have to take a look at that. You may find you now become closer to other friends, or to family. You may have to rely more on your own ingenuity. If you can stay open, caring and giving, you will be able to build new supports for the future.
Losing a sibling changes the energy in your family. If this is the first of your generation to die, it may seem a death knell for you all. Who will be next? If you are the only remaining sibling, you may feel you are now on borrowed time. Confronting our own mortality can be scary, if we let it. Or it can be liberating.
A colleague, John, once asked for my advice and support when his sister was dying of cancer, knowing about my history with my mother. This lady was only in her early forties. John’s sharing of his experience gave me food for thought. It left me with the phrase “Life is just too short – at least try to find what you want” drifting through my mind. What I wanted was a relationship with a wonderful man – to whom I have now been married for eleven years. That experience of staring reality (even though someone else’s) in the face changed my whole life!
If you have lost a brother or sister, you may find that there are unresolved conflicts still in your family. Immediately after someone dies, emotions may be running high. It would be wise to give everyone the benefit of the doubt at this time, and let the dust settle a little. You do have an opportunity to reach out to other family members.
Remember that being loved is one of our most sought after experiences as human beings, and that we gain love best by giving it away.
The death of a friend or a sibling is devastating. Not only do you grieve for the loss of a loved one, you also grieve for the loss of your mutual hopes and plans. Their death may present you with new obligations and responsibilities. Remember them with fondness, and try to build a closer bond with other siblings and mutual friends that share your grief and sense of loss.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

More information helpful with Bereavement Issues.