As a supporter of a cancer patient, there will certainly be times that you will need to talk about your feelings, fears and frustrations with someone who is not as intimately involved in the journey. There will be things you need to say that you simply can’t say to your loved one with cancer. Talking with others about your own journey and experiences throughout the process is healthy and healing. However, you may find that the people you expected to be your best shoulder are reluctant, shying away from you when you need them most. On the other hand, people that you never expected to be available for you will step up to the plate unexpectedly. An excerpt from “Their Cancer: Your Journey” details this often disappointing phenomenon.

When facing a cancer diagnosis, one issue you (and the person who has cancer) will face is the attitudes of other people. There are many different ways that others will handle the news. Some may have difficulty talking about the cancer at all. They may go to great lengths to avoid the subject. You may even find that they seem to be avoiding
you, or the cancer host.
You may feel very hurt at what seems like indifference or lack of compassion. In fact this behaviour probably shows that they have some unresolved issues that make it hard for them to deal with illness. You may have no idea what has happened in their past for them to behave that way. It may not lessen the hurt you feel, but try not to blame them.
Other people may have a ‘poor you’ attitude. They will be pitying in the extreme for the ‘terrible situation’ in which you find yourself. This could feel good in one way. You are getting sympathy for your situation, and it’s nice to know that someone has noticed how awful it is! At least they don’t think the person with cancer is the only one who deserves sympathy. So accept their expression of sympathy the first time. Be especially glad if it is accompanied by genuine offers of practical help or emotional support. But if you find you are on the receiving end of endless streams of pity from some people, be wary. Whilst they may truly care for you, if they belittle your ability to cope with the situation this attitude could rub off on you. Both you and the person with the cancer need to be empowered to deal with the challenges ahead, not brought down to the victim mindset. It may be that you have to tell people, “Thanks for the sympathy, but I know we’ll get through this.” Possibly you could add, “What you can do to help is . . .”. If they continue to be negative, you may choose to limit the time you spend with them.
On the other hand, some people will be absolutely amazing. Firm friendships have appeared seemingly from nowhere in the face of adversity. When my first marriage broke down, my colleague,
Jenny, took me into her home while I looked for somewhere to live.
She talked to me as I made difficult decisions for the future and was the most staunch supporter I had at the time. She was a truly lovely person and a deep friendship came out of that experience. So be prepared to be surprised and delighted by how some people come through for you.
The truth of the matter is that other people’s reactions are just that – theirs! Whilst it is natural to feel happy or sad about how others behave, the fact is that their reaction is not about you. It relates to who they are, the experiences they have gone through and how they handle issues in their own lives. Don’t take it personally. Just make the most of those whose attitude helps you.

As you can see, we all will have many different attitudes to cope with during the cancer journey. You’ll quickly learn who you can count on when you need a shoulder, a hug, or some sound advice. Lean on those people and be appreciative for the support that they have to offer. But, don’t be too hard on those who are unable to support you during this time. You don’t know the road they’ve traveled. And, you never know when your journey might inspire them to explore their own fears and come to terms with whatever prevents them from reaching out.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

Further Cancer Book Reviews

More information helpful at Diagnosis.

More information helpful with Communciation Issues.