Everyone recognizes that death is a natural part of life, but most people do not dwell upon it When cancer is diagnosed, however, everyone involved begins to think of death, if only fleetingly. Terminal cancer of course makes these thoughts more than fleeting. Dealing with this overriding concern of imminent death is discussed in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey:
Is it timely to think about death if your loved one has only just been diagnosed. Surely it’s far too negative to mention death at this point? It’s unlikely (unless you have received a very late diagnosis) that the medical team has raised the prospect of death. However there is a big ‘But’ to consider. Many advances have been made in the field of cancer treatment; but it is still something that people die from. In fact, as our ability to treat other conditions improves, it becomes ever more common that cancer is what will finally take us out of this world.
This means that whenever the word cancer is mentioned, the thought of the chance of death comes swiftly after. You will probably be trying to suppress it. You have almost certainly heard of the benefits of positive thinking, and want to apply it. The trouble is that the little voice in your head that says “What if they die?” is not easy to silence. The more you push it down, and refuse to listen to it, the stronger it is likely to become. I’m not telling you it’s a good idea to dwell on the likelihood of your loved one’s death. I’m just saying you need to acknowledge that thought.
The truth is that death is certain for all of us. It’s a natural part of life. You can think of it as being like the passing of the seasons. Our birth and death are as woven into the fabric of nature as the growth and falling of leaves on the trees each year. Cancer is by no means an inevitable death sentence, but we all have to go eventually. Who can say how long we are supposed to be here?
If your loved one’s cancer does lead to death (either now or in many years’ time), there is no point in resisting this. Yes, you will do everything in your power to support them and their health, but if that proves to be to no avail, so be it.
Children have a very practical attitude to death. They feel the grief and sadness as deeply as we do, they just don’t let it linger. They understand instinctively that life goes on. Once their grief has been expressed and noticed by others, they are likely to switch rapidly to getting on with the business of their lives, such as playing with their friends. They have a natural approach.
Society’s attitude has a great influence on our perception of death. Only a hundred years ago, most families would have experienced death first hand. Children died in infancy, mothers died in childbirth. In my husband’s family, his great grandfather was given the same name as another baby who died only a year before. This would be unthinkable now, but I think it shows how naturally death was treated then – because it was more common.
These days we have removed death from the family and into hospitals. The result is that it has become surrounded by an air of mystery. It also seems that death is almost always regarded with horror – instead of as a natural stage which we would all welcome at some point in our lives.
So do not fear death. Or if you are feeling fear, notice what is at the root of the fear. Are you afraid of being lonely, or of a lack of support? Would you desperately miss spending time with a person who brings joy into your life? Be honest with yourself, face up to your fears, and you will do much to still that little voice. This will then allow you to give more concentration to what you can do now to help.
As Deepak Chopra said in The Book of Secrets “Only by facing death can you develop a real passion for being alive.”
Most people have learned to accept the inevitability of death at an uncertain time in the distant future. The possibility of someone dying from cancer in the near future, however, is not so easily accepted. It’s comforting to be optimistic and hope for the best outcome, but it is also a positive step to recognize and accept the possibility, and to prepare for it.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

Gentle Dying by Felicity Warner
Tackles the issues of coping with death and turning it from a traumatic to a meaningful experience

Further Cancer Book Reviews

More information helpful at Diagnosis.

More information helpful with End of Life Issues.

More information helpful with Emotional Issues.