Talking About Cancer

Even for those who have a history of open communication with their loved ones, the emotional and physical demands of their cancer treatment can elevate that communication to a level that may be uncomfortable for both of you. My book Their Cancer – Your Journey, discusses the adjustments required for cancer communication to be effective at this deeper personal level:
The way you communicated in the past with the person who has cancer depends on your relationship, on your respective personalities, and on the habits you have created over the years before their illness. It will be unusual if this is a relationship where you are used to talking about life, the universe and everything – simply because there aren’t that many relationships like that around. If your relationship with your loved one is like this then congratulate yourself. It will allow much easier communication.
You may find that now you have something a little more important than a trip to the supermarket to discuss with this person, it feels a little scary. The reason for this is that you’re not used to it.
In my family as I was growing up, we talked about what we had done at school or what career we might like to go into. We had disagreements about emotive subjects such as abortion, but I don’t remember talking about my hopes, dreams and fears with my family. We just didn’t go into those topics.
What do you do if your loved one seems to shut you out – if they refuse to talk about the cancer at all? This can be really hard to cope with. It could just be the way they are coping with their situation, but that doesn’t help you. You can turn to others for support, but in the end what you want is to open up the channels of communication with your loved one. It would be unrealistic to expect that you will break down those barriers in one fell swoop – and yet it is possible. The fear that comes with a diagnosis of cancer is strong enough to smash inhibitions to rubble, if you are both brave enough to admit to that fear. This may need huge courage on your part. It always seems easier to suppress the fear than talk about it, but many people report great relief from those barrier-smashing conversations.
Sometimes the resistance comes from the fact that you are used to seeing this person as strong and in charge. This may often be the case when a parent is ill, for instance. But imagine what can be gained from having your loved one share their deepest feelings with you. You may never have felt such a deep connection. I had one conversation with my mother in which she admitted her wish to die sooner rather than later. I didn’t handle it well – I came out with some cliché about how it would happen when the time was right. Mum was furious; as far as she was concerned the time was right now, and she was fed up with waiting to be reunited with her beloved father. Well, I may not have said the right thing, but I was glad she got to express her feelings. After that talk, at least I knew how she really felt. It certainly cleared the air!
These are the conversations where you can practice your listening skills; unfortunately I hadn’t learned them at this time!
From your side, what you are trying to communicate is that you love, support, respect and trust them. Even if they’re not ready to talk to you, you can make sure they know this by your actions.
If you still feel more need to express yourself, why not write your loved one a letter. Tell them how much you care about them. Express your hopes and fears in writing, and they may be able to cope with this more easily.
Extracted from Their Cancer – Your Journey ©2008 Anne Orchard

Your loved one is the same person you knew before the diagnosis of cancer, but their focus is now different, more self-directed. Personality traits may remain the same. For some, however, the traits that you appreciated in the past may be suppressed. Negative traits may be amplified. If you sense a change, it’s not personal. Your role will be the understanding listener, the comforter, the advisor, the loving friend. Cancer and communication are not mutually exclusive, and the gains are worth the extra effort you may have to make.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

More information helpful with Emotional Issues.

Further Cancer Book Reviews