In the run-up to the festive season, we spare a thought for those who may be facing their last Christmas with, or first one without, a loved one as a result of a cancer diagnosis.

For most of us Christmas is a happy time. We may moan about the commercialism, the commitment and the relatives – but at heart this is a season for sharing time and abundance with those we love.

Anne Orchard has been thinking about those for whom things are not so simple – where a diagnosis of cancer means that a loved one is not expected to live another year, or where they have died since last Christmas. Of course the loss of a loved one can continue to affect us for many years, but the first Christmas without them is particularly challenging and poignant.

‘We weren’t aware of having a last Christmas with Mum’ says Anne, whose mother died in 1991 from brain tumours. ‘The first I knew that she was having headaches and difficulty reading was when my Dad took me aside and let me know she would need more help with the catering. I had no idea this meant we would soon be losing her.’

‘The following year, we faced the first Christmas we had known without the usual Christmas dinner cooked by Mum – and all the other parties we used to have at that time’, Anne recalls. ‘It was such a challenge that we felt unable to be in the family home, and my sister took care of us instead. We even had a goose for the main meal, anything to be different from how things were when Mum was alive.’

In some households, a decision is taken to ‘carry on for the children’, and this can give us some sign of hope. Children seem to be more able to live for the moment. They still enjoy the day and their presents even when there is a sad situation around them. This can give us a clue of one way we can cope ourselves – to choose to set aside our worries for the day.

Here are some tips for handling this situation based on the principles from Anne’s book ‘Their Cancer – Your Journey : A Traveller’s Guide for Carers, Family and Friends’:

• Accept that family members may not all agree on how the cancer affects what they want to do at Christmas. Allow them their own opinions – you may find that not everyone joins in the same celebration together, and that is fine.
• If your loved one is still alive, ask them what would make it the ‘best Christmas’ for them. Forget tradition, unless that is what they want. Go for fun and love, and resolve to leave all worries aside for just that day.
• If you are spending your first Christmas without a loved one, consider ignoring the traditional celebrations altogether. Instead you could get together with others to remember and celebrate the life of the person you lost.

If cancer has become a part of your life, it will alter the way you feel at Christmas. Remember to share how you feel – your hopes and fears – and you will be able to build deeper connections with others. This is, after all, the true spirit of Christmas.