» Families Facing Cancer – Helping carers to cope with cancer

Cancer In Remission—A Journey’s End

Anne Orchard — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 10:18:13 +0000

After recovery from cancer, there is cause to celebrate, but it may be challenging to get back to “a normal life”.

How do you feel about your loved one’s recovery from Cancer? Are you jubilant, or do you feel strangely numb? You may be overjoyed, or feel dead inside and wonder what’s wrong with you. When a large part of your life has been focused on someone else’s illness and that’s gone, you can have mixed feelings. On the one hand it’s great that the cancer isn’t hanging over you all, but on the other there is now a gap in your life. If it is this way for you, don’t worry about it. Just as it takes time to adjust to a new reality after diagnosis, it can also do so now. It’s like you’ve worn a rut in your mind on a path that says “my friend/relative has cancer”. That path of thought is now a habit. Like all habits, you can change it, but it will take time.
One way to change that habit is to make sure you mark this occasion. It’s not enough to visit the hospital and be told ‘the scan was clear’ – or even more distantly, to hear about it on the phone. It’s important to celebrate this new phase and the hope for the future it brings.
If you’re close to the person who has recovered from cancer, you may want to do this with them. Your loved one may want to throw a ‘recovery party’, and if so I hope you join in with gusto. On the other hand they may feel that it’s tempting fate; that if they count on their health then somehow it will be more likely to be taken away from them. In this case I hope that your loved one is at least able to feel grateful that they have made it to this point, as that feeling of gratitude will help them.
So what do you do if your loved one just wants to ignore the whole issue of cancer or remission – pretend it never happened? Well, you could always celebrate by yourself. Raise a glass to them, and toast their future health. Or you could create some kind of a ritual – perhaps laying your Cancer Success Plan away, or even burning it, with .thanks for the support it gave you.
Maybe the thought of burning your Plan terrifies you. What if the cancer comes back? Is this what you are secretly expecting? If so, take a good long look at where that thought is coming from. Address your deepest fears using the skills you have learned. My belief is that the Plan has done its work and you should let it go. If you were to face another journey with cancer, you would create a new one anyway. Your definition of success, your starting point and your inner self would all be different. You could find the same resources again if you needed to, anyway – after all you now know where to look.
Now is a good time to take inventory of the growth that has resulted from your journey with cancer; give yourself credit for your courage and strength. From the vantage point of a wiser, more insightful person, you can write a new Life Plan. Your Cancer Success Plan was adapted to the needs of that time—your Life Plan will utilize the time and energy that is no longer devoted to the illness of your loved one. This is a turning point—a springboard from which to reclaim dreams long deferred. Some never reach a turning point—they miss the opportunity to decide what they want in life. Now is the perfect time for you to generate a plan that aligns with your deepest purpose—your life’s mission.

When the Cancer is Gone

Anne Orchard — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:22:10 +0000

It is a tremendous relief when you are told that your loved one’s cancer is gone. You’re elated that your lives can return to normal, but then find that normal does not quite exist any more. How does that come about, and what can you do about it?
Sometimes dreams do come true; hope bears fruit; prayers are answered. You are told that your loved one’s cancer is gone. He or she is cancer free. Both you and your loved one experience a sense of relief bordering on ecstasy. The doors to your futures have been reopened. You can once again dream, hope, plan, and do. You see life being full of opportunity; more promising. You are both, for the moment, optimists.
It will take a little time before you both confront the fact that life’s realities may be much the same as they were before cancer intruded. You may both have trouble accepting this fact. Both you and your loved one may have experienced a change in attitudes, and differing expectations on how the future should unfold. You may need to reassess your goals, and analyse your relationship. Some may find that their loved one easily returns to their former self, exhibiting the same interests and personality. Most, however, will witness a recognisable change in behavior.
Some cancer survivors turn outward, exhibiting a new zest for life. They feel physically born again, and pursue new experiences with exuberance. Other survivors may become more introspective or spiritual, seeking to expand their community of friends, and establish or re-establish relationships with family. Similar changes may take place in your personality and attitudes. These changes, yours or your loved one’s, can be difficult for the other to accept, particularly if they were looking forward to a return to the comfort and predictability of their life before cancer.
You, having been the devoted caregiver, may feel threatened or hurt, thinking that your loved one doesn’t appreciate the impact that his cancer has had on you; the effect it has had on your physical and mental well being. It is extremely important that you communicate your feelings to the cancer survivor to enable him of her to understand your feelings.
In situations like this it may be advisable to seek advice from a spiritual or lay counselor. If your relationship was rocky before cancer intruded, you may need to resolve those outstanding issues before you can envision your future relationship. On the other hand, if your relationship was supportive and loving before the cancer diagnosis, you most surely will learn to adjust to the new circumstances and move forward in a direction that is charted by both of you.
After the initial celebration of your loved one’s health and regardless of whichever attitude you and your loved one develop toward the future, there will be moments of apprehension that never really go away. You will both be reminded that cancer now lurks in both your lives. It becomes the elephant in the room. You both know that it could return, or a new cancer could intrude upon your lives.
Everyone, including those who have never had cancer, faces some probability of getting cancer. Your loved one’s probability of their cancer returning or of hosting a new cancer may be less than it would be for one who has never had cancer. The difference is that you can’t really measure that probability, and you and your loved one now perceive that probability to be higher, though no one really knows. At this time, your loved one is cancer free. Now is time to nurture your relationship, recognise that life is short and tentative, be optimistic, and enjoy both of your lives to the fullest.
Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your mind. Cancer has changed your life during the time of treatment. It has also changed your future. You want very much for your life and your relationship with your loved one to return to normal. Your life will again become normal, but it will be the new normal that you and your loved one create.

Cancer Remission – Live in Hope, Not Fear

Anne Orchard — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 15:52:47 +0000

Cancer has a way of shaking our world; we suddenly begin to think of the future far more often, and we may look to this future in trepidation, fearing the worst for our loved one. We may spend too much time wondering what our life will be like if we lose our loved one, even when they are in remission. But, as the old saying goes “Attitude is everything”. This excerpt from Their Cancer: Your Journey discusses ways to look to the future with hope even as you face the fears that cancer inevitably brings.

It is understandable, with the unpredictable nature of cancer, to fear for your loved one’s health in the future. I do suggest that you acknowledge your fears and deal with them. But if you find yourself feeling fearful for your loved one’s health a lot, and for a long time, then there is something that needs to be done.

It is important that you find a way to let that fear go. Worry has been described as being like negative prayer. Every time your mind plays out the scene of what you fear might happen, it is as though you wanted that to happen. Your conscious mind knows that you really want to avoid that outcome, but your subconscious mind doesn’t know that. You are effectively taking the cancer, which happened in the past, and dragging it into the present with you. Why would you want to do that? Let it stay in the past where it belongs.

How do you make sure you are living in hope? Ideally you notice when you’re not, let go of the underlying fear, and replace the negative visions with positive ones. If you find yourself thinking, “I hope the cancer doesn’t come back”, replace that with a vision of your loved one looking healthy and active. If you have something planned in the future such as a holiday or a family get-together, you could picture them there, and this will help you to feel more positive. This isn’t about making your loved one healthier – it’s about you feeling better. At the same time, your increased confidence in their health may just give them a boost.

After my mother-in-law’s treatment, she was feeling very tired and said to me that she was beginning to feel her age. A morning’s shopping would completely wear her out. I told her I was sure it was just an after-effect of the chemotherapy, which would pass in time. And it has. She has now moved to live near us, and you will find her on the seafront most days, rain or shine: she even goes to the shops in her hiking boots so she can walk on the beach before she goes home.

Living in hope instead of fear is a conscious choice – and it’s one you may have to make over and over again as you deal with the uncertainties and fears that cancer brings your way. But each time you choose to live in hope you not only release the burdens you feel, but you empower yourself and your friend or relative who had cancer to continue to move forward in life. None of us knows how many days and hours we have left – whether or not cancer is in our lives. So, it is incumbent upon all of us to live in hope and accomplish all that we can in the days that await us.

How to Respond if Cancer Returns

Anne Orchard — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:05:09 +0000

Believing that your loved one has beaten their cancer only to be told later that it has returned, or that they have another cancer, can be devastating for both you and your loved one. The attitudes of both of you to this new challenge may be quite different, and require a different approach for dealing with it. I discuss this situation in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey:

Being given a second diagnosis of cancer is very different from the first time. The first time a person gets cancer, they often have a lot of fight in them. That may also be true for a repeat diagnosis, but often the person feels different – and so may you.

The first time cancer is diagnosed anything is possible, even if the diagnosis is given at a late stage. If your loved one has been given a second cancer diagnosis then that means they recovered the first time around. It may be that they can recover again; but it could be harder for them both physically and emotionally. Physically they may be exhausted from their earlier treatments, with their immune system at a low. Emotionally they may also be weary, tired of fighting. Your loved one may dread beginning again on the round of treatment they have endured in the past. My mother-in-law has said she’s not sure she could face up to going through the chemotherapy again, especially as she knows all too well what to expect. Of course no one can say now how she would really feel if that day came.

It can be much harder for the person with cancer (and you) to find hope the second time around in the face of proof that their earlier recovery did not last. The further diagnosis shows that not all cancer cells had been destroyed, or that the body wasn’t able to prevent further cancer developing. You may both feel that the outlook is different this time, but don’t assume that all is lost. The cancer host may be able to try a different approach and get better results.

It is little wonder that your loved one may feel gloomy in this situation, and this can be challenging for you. You might feel they should show the same fight and resolve they did before – after all if they beat the disease once then they can again. But don’t blame them if they can’t feel that way. It may seem to the cancer host that their earlier treatments only bought them time, not a cure. They could be unsure whether it is worth suffering those treatments again, if the cancer is going to get them sooner or later anyway.

Your loved one has the right to have those thoughts, weigh up those options and make that decision. If they are tired of fighting; if they are ready to let go; if they want to simply die with dignity, then that is their decision – however hard you may find it.

If someone does feel like that, they may find it hard to tell you so. They may believe they are letting you, or the medical team down. My mother felt a little like this after my father paid for them to attend the Bristol Cancer Centre (now Penny Brohn Cancer Care). She worried that he had spent a lot of money for them to go to the Centre, and thought she was letting him down somehow by not recovering.

In this type of situation, it will help if you have already built up a relationship where your loved one can say absolutely anything. The greatest gift you can give someone who feels this way is to hear what they say, and be open and honest with them in return. If they are able to make this a conscious choice, they will feel they have some control. With that power of choice, even their death can be improved.

Hearing the first diagnosis of cancer was depressing, but you and your loved one may have steeled yourself to the challenge and felt a sense of exhausted euphoria when they were found to be cancer free. A second diagnosis may be equally depressing to you, but doubly depressing to the person with cancer. To be most supportive of your loved one, you must be prepared to listen to their wishes even if they conflict with yours.