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Failing to plan is planning to fail; this is a tenet of all self-help methods, in one form or another. Without a plan, you are at the whim of every passing mood, all the ups and downs of your loved one’s illness, and the attitudes of the people around you and the society at large—attitudes which may leave a lot to be desired. A Cancer Success Plan may be a grand-sounding document, but actually it can be as simple or as fancy as you like. It can be something you create with the person who has cancer, or just for your own use. It can be anything from a computer file to an enormous binder stuffed with vast reams of information.
In other words, you get to choose. You are in complete control of this, whereas you can’t control what cancer is doing to the human body. It is likely that you won’t have all the information at the beginning, but creating the plan gives you somewhere to put information as you get it. What should you put in this marvelous resource you are going to create? Well, it will be as individual as you, but here are some suggestions for sections you may want to include:

1. What success is to you – This is particularly important, and it will depend on the realities of the cancer diagnosis. For instance if the cancer is terminal, success could include a peaceful death and getting bereavement support (see Defining Success In Your Cancer Journey, from Their Cancer – Your Journey, by Anne Orchard for a fuller explanation). Don’t skip this section.
2. Where you are now – What the current situation is with your loved one’s health, your home life, your stress levels and anything else that is relevant.
3. Taking care of yourself – A list of things and activities to make you feel good, or lower your stress level.
4. Information on specific cancer – You will probably want to include specific information about the type of cancer your loved one has.
5. Treatment plan and record – What has been suggested, what the person with cancer has agreed to. What treatments they have been given and what effect those have had.
6. Support groups and therapies – Information you gather about support groups, organisations and complementary therapies for yourself as well as your loved one.
7. Positive activities to share – Don’t forget to make time to do something fun together. Make it realistic for your loved one, but enough fun to be worthwhile.
8. Help that has been offered – When friends and family offer to help, get a specific commitment and make a record of it.
9. Contingency – These are resources you may never need, but may call on if necessary.

There is one other thing I think would be immensely useful in your plan, and that is to lose the Victim Label. In order to assist you in thinking of your loved one as a whole and healthy person, I suggest you include a photograph of them. Choose one that you feel shows their best qualities: your favorite photograph of them. You may think that this will only remind you of what has currently been lost, but I maintain that it is not lost. That is still the person they are. Every time you look at the picture, let go of any regret you feel and tell yourself that this is still the person you love.
Your Cancer Success Plan can be revised and added to as you go, but will be your blueprint for the journey. Keep it with you and refer to it every day. When the going gets tough, you can use it as your instructions and road map.

Recommended Reading

Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
A helpful guide for family members and friends on coping with practical and emotional issues

More information helpful with Planning and Research.

Further Cancer Book Reviews

1. Relax. It may feel like a huge responsibility talking over these kinds of choices with someone who is facing cancer treatment. But the responsibility for the ultimate decision is theirs, so try to relax about your role. You may only need to act as a sounding board so they can explore the options and be more comfortable with their decision.
2. Acknowledge your fears. It will be hard for you to offer an impartial discussion if your thoughts are full of your own fears. You may be terrified that choosing the ‘wrong’ treatment will condemn them to an untimely death, and this could cause you to exert pressure. So talk about your fears – it may be appropriate to do this with someone who is less involved.
3. Ask what else they need to know. The person making the decision may have all the information they need – or there may be some things that are unclear. Do they need a second opinion about the diagnosis or possible treatments? Would some statistics on differing effects of the treatment options on their particular type and severity of cancer make the decision easier to make? Do they need to know what they can do to increase the beneficial results of any treatment? Or do they simply want to know that the treatment recommended by the doctor is what’s best for them?
4. Consider the Pros and Cons. Remember that any treatment option, including complementary and alternative medicine, has both advantages and disadvantages. The decision could be made from a desire to avoid some possibilities (for example losing their hair) or from a wish to achieve certain ends (eg maintain their body image). Only the person with cancer can know what holds more weight for them.
5. Trust their judgement. You might be tempted to think that you know what is good for someone who has cancer. ’Of course they should have chemotherapy’, or ‘of course natural methods would be best for them’. But you don’t know their body – they do. If they have a strong instinct about any particular treatment plan, they are probably right.
6. Remember the benefits of ‘excited belief’. According to Greg Anderson in his book ‘Cancer : 50 Essential Things To Do’, “cancer survivors develop a confidence and an excited belief in their treatment programs that other patients do not possess.” Persuading someone to undertake a treatment they feel reluctant about will not generate that excited belief – it has to come from inside the person making the decision.
7. Back them up. Whatever treatment decisions the person makes in the end, and whether you agree or not, get excited with them. Be one hundred percent positive that whatever the outcome, they have made the best possible decision for them in this set of circumstances.

Having someone to talk over these difficult issues with can be of benefit to someone about to choose and undergo treatment for cancer. Simply by being available and open you will be a great help.

There are dozens of ways that other family members and friends can help out. However, all too often, the needs of the patient and closest caregivers don’t quite connect with the assistance that others are willing and able to provide. Hopefully, the following pointers will help those who need the help and those who have assistance to offer.

Patients and Caregivers

There are many reasons why we fail to ask for help when we need it. Perhaps we’re just so used to doing things ourselves that we don’t think to ask, or perhaps we crave privacy as we sort through our emotions and don’t want lots of people around us. But, for most people, the reason we don’t ask for help is that we simply “don’t want to put people out”. But, now is the time to accept the assistance that others are willing to give. If you’re worried that you’re asking too much, just ask yourself if you would be willing to offer the same assistance if the situation were reversed. If the answer is yes, you’re not asking too much.

The patient and closest family members should sit down and make a list of items that others could help with. This helps you to be ready when someone asks to help and also helps you to determine any items that the person with cancer deems too private – so you can designate those items only to the closest family members. For example, your cancer patient may be quite happy to have others sit with them so that family members can get a break – but they may not be comfortable accepting assistance from others at meal times if they require help with the basics of eating. Some tasks that others can easily help with include:

1. Laundry
2. Meal preparation
3. Trips to the pharmacy
4. Dog walking
5. Running other errands
6. Garden maintenance
7. Housecleaning

If you’re a primary caregiver for someone with cancer, be ready to say “yes” when others offer to help. If their offers are not specific, you can keep in mind their talents and time availability when making requests. Is a church member a seamstress? Have her mend clothes and take in those that have become too big.

Remember that people want to help. And, often, they just don’t know what you need. It can be difficult for many of us to accept help, but you might be amazed at how good it makes you feel when you allow people to sincerely reach out.

Linda felt so guilty about letting a girlfriend bring over dinner when she was recovering from childbirth. But, her husband had just returned to work and she was taking care of a newborn and a toddler and not feeling very well. So, with reluctance, she accepted her friend’s offer. Her friend brought over a dish that Linda had eaten just once in her life – a few years before in her friend’s home. Linda was so touched that her friend had remembered how much she loved her shepherd’s pie that her embarrassment for needing help quickly turned to great affection for their many years of friendship. You may find that letting people help you turns your constant thoughts of cancer and the future it might hold to more positive thoughts.

Those Providing Assistance

It’s natural to want to offer assistance when our loved ones are going through tough times. All too often, however, when we ask “Do you need anything?” we fail to receive any specific requests for help. Don’t let this stop you! There are many ways to get involved even if you don’t receive any direction from the person with cancer or their immediate caregivers. Here are some ideas:

Think about the things that we all have to take care of every day. Offer to pick up groceries for the family at the same time you get your own. The family may be more likely to take you up on your offer if they know you’re headed to the store anyway. When you’re paying the patient a visit and you see something that needs to be done – ask if you can do it.

Consider the patient’s personality. Is the cancer patient an avid reader? Then head to your local used book store and stock up. They won’t care that the books aren’t new; they’ll be thrilled with a variety of books and magazines to kill time during treatments and rest periods.

Use your talents. A friend of mine once spent an entire weekend preparing her sister’s favorite meals for her freezer. Her sister was going through chemotherapy and having trouble managing meal preparation. Over the course of a weekend, she put 20 meals in her freezer – all things her sister really loved. Even though her sister’s appetite had been off, she quickly became more eager to eat once she knew her favorites were waiting for her.

Be persistent when you want to help. You may find that it takes your friend or relative a little time to get used to the idea of accepting help. But, soon, you may be able to make a world of difference!

Once people around you know there has been a diagnosis of cancer, there will be an insatiable appetite for information, particularly amongst those who know the family well. If you live with the person who has cancer, you may find yourself endlessly answering the telephone and relating the same details to one relative after another. If you live at a distance, you may be one of the people phoning – and possibly feeling guilty about doing so. It’s important to handle this communication issue, as it can drive the sanest person to distraction.

The most important factor is to set down some boundaries about the best ways to communicate. Is email easier, because you can choose when to reply? Do you, or the person who has cancer, like to chat on the phone – but only at certain times? Would you prefer to update one person, and have them pass the information around the family for you?

If you are the one desperately wanting an update, but find it hard to get information, ask the person with cancer or others in the family what would work best for them.

One way that a family can come together for mutual support at a time like this is to build a private website. This way people with fresh information can update it so that everyone can read it. If you have a question, you can ask it there, and get an answer from anyone who knows what you are seeking. You can share positive stories, family news, happy memories, and even photos. If you have a family member in their teens or twenties, they will probably know how to create this much better than I do – and feel good about being involved. If not, you can learn to set up a website through Wordpress, or use the system provided at www.caringbridge.org.

Developing a family strategy for dealing with communications can help relieve stress on all the family members who are receiving endless calls and requests for information. Taking the time to determine the best way for your family to communicate to others is certainly valuable in the process of relieving stress for everyone during this time. It’s important that people be informed, but it’s just as important that the person with cancer and immediate family have privacy and quiet time when you need it.

It’s a natural instinct to want to help loved ones when they are ill. For most common illnesses, this help is easy to provide, usually involving no more than dispensing medicines and providing comfort where possible. One may be limited to the same palliative procedures when helping a loved one with a diagnosis of cancer, but the frightening aspect of a cancer diagnosis strengthens this instinct to do something more significant.

An acquaintance of mine, let’s call her Lori, was a young mother with two young children when she was confronted with her husband’s cancer. Her husband seemed comfortable with placing his trust in the advice of his medical team. Lori, however, felt driven to become an active participant; to do something positive to help bring about his cure. She discussed her desires with him. They agreed that she should do whatever she felt compelled to do provided it did not interfere with his prescribed treatment.

At one of her husband’s initial chemotherapy sessions, she spoke with his oncologist and asked what changes she could make to his diet to perhaps strengthen his immune system to better fight the disease. She was very disappointed at the doctor’s reaction. He brushed off her suggestion, saying that it would make no difference; that she should simply keep him on his familiar diet.

She was skeptical of that advice. Disappointed, but undaunted, she conducted research on the Internet, and spoke with a nutritionist at the hospital where his treatment was being provided. The nutritionist disagreed with the doctor’s assessment, and his uninterested manner.

She agreed that there was no special diet directed at a cancer cure, but the suggestion that she keep him on the same diet depended upon whether his routine diet was a good one, even if he had been healthy. She also advised Lori that the diet she would recommend depends upon the type of cancer and the prescribed treatment. For example, one whose cancer involved the gastro-intestinal system would require a diet quite different from one she would recommend for other cancers.

She recommended that his diet should include an abundance of protein in whatever form that he could withstand it. She explained that there was also an abundance of evidence that a carefully planned diet could help to reduce the intensity of some of the unfortunate side-effects of chemotherapy.

Armed with new information and enthusiasm, Lori developed a plan of action. She stocked her pantry with yogurt, ice cream, soups, and foods that were high in protein and in calories.

As her husband’s treatment proceeded, his appetite for large meals waned. Incidents of nausea, somewhat controlled by medication, began to interfere with regular eating, and frequent smaller meals and readily available snacks filled the void. Lori was insistent, however, that he finishes his daily protein drink, even if it was spread out over the entire day. Whenever possible, she would encourage him to exercise by taking a short walk about outside.

Her efforts did bear fruit. Her husband managed to maintain a healthy weight during his lengthy course of treatment. Lori’s husband has been cancer-free for over ten years. They both attribute it to excellent medical care and luck, but suspect that Lori’s attention to her husband’s diet played an important role in his recovery.

By focusing on her husband’s diet, Lori learned more about her husband’s cancer. Her active involvement with his treatment elevated her spirits. She felt that she was an active, if auxiliary, member of his medical team. Her efforts also helped her to eat well and maintain her own health during this demanding period.
If you’re not a medical professional, there is little that you can do to direct the medical treatment designed to help your loved one. You can, however, with your loved one’s concurrence, find ways to provide support and comfort as your loved one experiences the side?effects of their treatment.

Anne Orchard