» Families Facing Cancer – Helping carers to cope with cancer

Cancer Caregivers Must Make Difficult Decisions

Anne Orchard — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 10:16:05 +0000

During the course of your loved one’s fight with cancer you may be required to help them decide on a course of treatment. There may be times when you alone must decide what action should be taken. This can be a complex, burdensome responsibility that I have addressed in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey:
There may be times during your loved one’s treatment when you are asked to make some difficult decisions. Should they even be told they have cancer – particularly if they are either very young or elderly and confused? Should the cancer host be resuscitated if they have a heart attack? Nobody wants to be put in the position of making this sort of decision, but it is possible that this may fall to you. How do you handle it? Ideally you won’t have to do it on your own. If you can discuss the matter with others who are affected, it should be easier to make the decision, unless there is a real difference of opinion.
First of all it’s important to look at what is the ‘default position’. What is being done while the decision is being made? In the examples I gave above, the default would probably be not to tell them in the first, and to resuscitate them in the second.
My view is that wherever possible the person with cancer should be the one to make the decision, though there is nothing wrong with a supportive family discussion. This means that even if the medical team is worried about telling your loved one something about their condition, you at least talk over the subject with the person who it ill. If they really don’t want to know, they will probably change the subject or just plain not hear you – and then they will have made that decision. But if your loved one wants to know, then they have a right to.
Many people have been told they were dying, and used this as an opportunity to find a sense of peace – possibly one that has escaped them all their life. Why deny them that? You won’t go far wrong if you stick to the principle you’ve been using already of talking things through and accepting that the cancer host is the master of their own ship.
Audrey Jenkinson, in her book Past Caring, describes how her mother expressed quite definitely that she did not want to be kept alive, or resuscitated. She was perfectly able to make that decision even though communicating it was difficult. It proved hard to honour that request, as medical staff will always try to revive someone unless they know expressly not to.
In reality this means that when someone is admitted to hospital as an emergency, there will be no time to take ethical decisions. One person at death’s door looks much like another and the emergency team will not have the information they need unless they are given it. So if your loved one has expressed their wish to go out gracefully, you will need to make sure everyone knows. It may mean you have to be with them on your own when they die, if you are caring for them at home.
If your loved one has gone past the point of being able to make their own decisions, and it is just a matter of time, don’t be afraid to talk over what treatment they are being given with their medical team. Keeping their body in this world as long as possible is the remit we have given to our health services, but it may no longer be the approach that serves this person best. Of course, in order to take these or other difficult decisions, you have to be prepared to let your loved one go.
Extracted from Their Cancer – Your Journey ©2008 Anne Orchard
Many factors affect the cancer patient’s ability to make decisions regarding their own treatment. Mood, age, personality, and progress of the disease are but a few. It is important that you know as much as possible about their current prognosis and the available treatment options to enable you to give sound advice or to make critical decisions when necessary.

With Cancer or Not, Death is a Natural Part of Life

Anne Orchard — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 10:18:56 +0000

Everyone recognizes that death is a natural part of life, but most people do not dwell upon it When cancer is diagnosed, however, everyone involved begins to think of death, if only fleetingly. Terminal cancer of course makes these thoughts more than fleeting. Dealing with this overriding concern of imminent death is discussed in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey:
Is it timely to think about death if your loved one has only just been diagnosed. Surely it’s far too negative to mention death at this point? It’s unlikely (unless you have received a very late diagnosis) that the medical team has raised the prospect of death. However there is a big ‘But’ to consider. Many advances have been made in the field of cancer treatment; but it is still something that people die from. In fact, as our ability to treat other conditions improves, it becomes ever more common that cancer is what will finally take us out of this world.
This means that whenever the word cancer is mentioned, the thought of the chance of death comes swiftly after. You will probably be trying to suppress it. You have almost certainly heard of the benefits of positive thinking, and want to apply it. The trouble is that the little voice in your head that says “What if they die?” is not easy to silence. The more you push it down, and refuse to listen to it, the stronger it is likely to become. I’m not telling you it’s a good idea to dwell on the likelihood of your loved one’s death. I’m just saying you need to acknowledge that thought.
The truth is that death is certain for all of us. It’s a natural part of life. You can think of it as being like the passing of the seasons. Our birth and death are as woven into the fabric of nature as the growth and falling of leaves on the trees each year. Cancer is by no means an inevitable death sentence, but we all have to go eventually. Who can say how long we are supposed to be here?
If your loved one’s cancer does lead to death (either now or in many years’ time), there is no point in resisting this. Yes, you will do everything in your power to support them and their health, but if that proves to be to no avail, so be it.
Children have a very practical attitude to death. They feel the grief and sadness as deeply as we do, they just don’t let it linger. They understand instinctively that life goes on. Once their grief has been expressed and noticed by others, they are likely to switch rapidly to getting on with the business of their lives, such as playing with their friends. They have a natural approach.
Society’s attitude has a great influence on our perception of death. Only a hundred years ago, most families would have experienced death first hand. Children died in infancy, mothers died in childbirth. In my husband’s family, his great grandfather was given the same name as another baby who died only a year before. This would be unthinkable now, but I think it shows how naturally death was treated then – because it was more common.
These days we have removed death from the family and into hospitals. The result is that it has become surrounded by an air of mystery. It also seems that death is almost always regarded with horror – instead of as a natural stage which we would all welcome at some point in our lives.
So do not fear death. Or if you are feeling fear, notice what is at the root of the fear. Are you afraid of being lonely, or of a lack of support? Would you desperately miss spending time with a person who brings joy into your life? Be honest with yourself, face up to your fears, and you will do much to still that little voice. This will then allow you to give more concentration to what you can do now to help.
As Deepak Chopra said in The Book of Secrets “Only by facing death can you develop a real passion for being alive.”
Most people have learned to accept the inevitability of death at an uncertain time in the distant future. The possibility of someone dying from cancer in the near future, however, is not so easily accepted. It’s comforting to be optimistic and hope for the best outcome, but it is also a positive step to recognize and accept the possibility, and to prepare for it.

Bringing Someone Ill with Cancer to Your Home

Anne Orchard — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 10:01:44 +0000

Bringing a loved one with cancer into your home can be daunting – physically and mentally exhausting, but it can also be a great gift to both of you.
Those with cancer are hospitalised only during the acute phases of their disease when professional treatment management or intensive medical intervention is required. When such care becomes unnecessary or is no longer effective, the person with cancer is released to home or hospice care, returning to the hospital only for outpatient care and treatment. If your loved one is released from the hospital without requiring continuous medical care, and you have the time and resources, you may decide to care for him or her in your home.
The demands that will be placed upon you depend upon whether the person with cancer is a member of your close family who normally lives with you or a friend or member of your extended family who will come to live with you for the first time. The demands placed upon you will be further impacted by whether they are released into your care to recuperate while in remission, or to die.
If the person is a spouse, child, friend, or family member who is in remission and in improving health, your role may be little more than supervisory; supporting them in eating well, being comfortable, and taking all their prescribed medications. You may find yourself being more of a companion and chauffer. In all cases, however, you will find that you must make adjustments in your routine about your home.
If it is your spouse or child, his or her return is natural and unobtrusive, and your routine may be quite normal with the exception of occasional trips to the hospital outpatient for checkups or maintenance treatments. If you spouse or child has difficulty sleeping, it may be necessary, as with a friend or extended family member, to arrange separate, but comfortably homey, sleeping arrangements in another room.
It the person with cancer has been diagnosed as terminal and requires more constant care, it may be necessary to make major adjustments in the arrangement of your home and in your routine. The care of a very ill person can be extremely demanding. You are both going to pass through a difficult period of adjustment as you get used to a new sometimes awkward routine. It may be necessary to reconfigure a bedroom or other large room for convalescent care. You may have to rent a hospital bed, a portable toilet, and other equipment.
When it is necessary to rearrange your home, it is equally important that you find or create a personal haven somewhere in your home where you can get away from your care giving responsibilities, where you can relax, meditate, practice a hobby, quietly read, or even cry to relieve your accumulated stress.
Set up rules, early on, for visitors to you and your loved one. During this time people will come to you home for one of two reasons: to help or to visit. Be firm. Let it be known that you appreciate any help that you can get. Place limits on visits to the person with cancer – in consultation with them if possible. Set up visiting hours, or insist upon a call before a visit to ensure that you and your loved one are up to it.
Where possible, draft relatives and friends to help you care for your loved one, and to relieve you temporarily so you can attend to your own household tasks, and find time for yourself alone. Check with area hospices, where it is often possible to bring a loved one for a day or a week when necessary, to provide you with a quiet vacation or some mental health time.
Remember, being able to stay with a friend or family member is a great gift for someone with cancer, especially if it is to spend his or her final days, and you are showing great love and kindness to provide that comfort. But, don’t forget about your own health and needs. Your normal routine may be on hold during this time, but your life isn’t. Structure your time to provide for your needs. Seek out to a support network to help you survive this trying time both physically and mentally intact, and to help you to prepare for the changes in your life when your loved one is no longer with you.
Death in the old movies usually occurred in the family home where the person dying is surrounded by loving family and friends. I think that many of us would like to spend our final days in the comfort of familiar voices and surroundings. Being cared for at the home of a loved one is a great gift to both the patient and the caregiver.

Choosing and Understanding Hospice for Cancer Care

Anne Orchard — Thu, 20 May 2010 14:35:47 +0000

Hospice organizations and the Hospice philosophy of care are a wonderful resource for many families. However, Hospice is often misunderstood. If you’re facing cancer with a loved one, it’s important that you understand how Hospice care works and what you can expect, should you ever need these resources. Here are some basics about Hospice that you should know.

Hospice is a philosophy of care. It is based on the premise that each person should live out the final stage of their live with dignity, quality of life and minimal or no pain. Hospice care can begin once a patient can see no benefit from further cancer treatment and likely has six months or less to live. To qualify for Hospice care, the patient’s primary doctor must certify that the patient meets these requirements.

Hospice does not mean you’ve given up hope. Many families put off contacting Hospice because they believe it’s an indication that death is imminent and no hope can be found. It’s important to understand that while Hospice is designed for those whose disease is no longer treatable, you can end hospice care if cancer goes into remission or if other circumstances indicate that further cancer treatment would be recommended.

Hospice focuses on quality of life. Hospice provides palliative care – meaning that they focus on reducing symptoms and alleviating pain. However, it is also the goal of Hospice that patients be alert and able to enjoy the rest of their life. So, patients are not simply given high doses of pain killers that leave them unable to function unless it is absolutely necessary.

Hospice offers a wide range of services. Hospice can provide care in your home, in a hospital or in a nursing facility. In some areas, Hospice operates their own facilities, as well. Most patients receive Hospice care at home; as this is where most people prefer to be. Most Hospice groups offer the following:

Care from doctors, nurses, chaplains and trained volunteers
Respite care
Medical Equipment, such as hospital beds and oxygen tanks
Coordination of all team members
In home care – nurses and volunteers can visit patients at home and bring prescription medications
A care plan that takes all needs into account
Bereavement counseling for the family
24 hour availability by phone

Most US insurance plans cover Hospice. Hospice is a non-profit organization, which means that most will provide free care to patients who cannot pay. However, most insurance plans cover Hospice care, which is usually far less expensive than many other options. Hospice care is provided free to all who need it in the UK.

Researching the Hospice care available in your area is an important step toward planning for the future of your loved one. If you understand exactly what resources are available, you can make better decisions about how to handle end of life care should this become necessary. You may find it difficult to bring up the subject of Hospice with your loved one. If this is the case, ask your doctor to discuss the option with the patient. Hospice is a wonderful resource for families facing serious illnesses, and it’s important that all families facing the possibility of a terminal illness understand the benefits that Hospice can provide.

expensive than many other options. Hospice care is provided free to all who need it in the UK.

Further Resources

More information about hospice care

Being Told the Cancer is Terminal

Anne Orchard — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 11:44:08 +0000

When you are told the cancer is terminal, what does this mean?

There are two different scenarios in which you may be ‘told it’s terminal’. One is sort of by default, where the cancer is diagnosed but no treatment to cure is offered. The second is where much treatment has been tried, but it turns out to have been a losing battle, or where time has allowed the cancer to grow and damage the body beyond repair. At this point there is no further purpose in trying to get rid of the cancer. These two scenarios are in fact very different.
The first is the situation we found ourselves in when my mother was diagnosed with secondary brain tumours. Even then, I’m not sure anyone really spelled out at the beginning that this meant she was likely to die. That’s just not what they say. In any case the medical staff would certainly not have been able at that stage to answer the next big question – how long do we have together?
In fact they would have been as well not to answer. My friend’s sister, Fern, was also in this kind of situation. She was diagnosed, after much uncertainty and pain, with a tumour on her spine. Fern was told that the hospital could offer treatment, but it would only prolong her life for a short time. (The original projection for her life was two weeks.) Fern’s reaction was to demand the treatment – and she did the rest. She got better, raised her children and is still healthy today, over 20 years later.
This is why doctors are often reluctant to make predictions, because they know how easily they could be wrong. So even though it is frustrating not to have a crystal ball, you should regard this as a good thing. The uncertainty means that there are still possibilities – your loved one isn’t gone just because someone handed them a diagnosis. The uncertainty works in your favour.
The second scenario is more like the situation we were in when the Macmillan nurses finally said to my father and me, “You do know she will die very soon, now, don’t you?” Although of course we were not glad to lose her, there was a great feeling of relief. Finally someone had given us an indication of how much longer it would be. They were able to let us know that she would be gone in days rather than weeks, and in fact she lived about a week and a half after that day.
This may seem late to get some kind of a timescale, but I’m afraid that is the nature of the human body. It’s unpredictable, because the thoughts of the person living inside it determine so much of how it lives, and fades. There are people like Fern who simply won’t be told they’re going to die, and others who are expected to live for a few months, but slip away within weeks.
It is likely that you will not find out that you are in this second type of scene until the end is close at hand. Don’t be shocked and horrified if either you or others (including the cancer host) seem relieved. Being ill with cancer, or supporting someone else who is, can be just plain exhausting. If you’re told you can’t win, then it can be very peaceful to accept that this phase of life is ending, whether it’s your body that’s going to die or another’s.
If you reach this time it would be a good idea to visit www.soulmidwives.co.uk, and to talk to those who can ease your loved one’s passing. You can also explore our information on Bereavement and begin addressing your feelings about the loss to come.

This is an extract taken from ‘Their Cancer – Your Journey’ by Anne Orchard. To get your own copy of this book visit Their Cancer – Your Journey Book Information

Further Resources

More Information on End of Life Issues

Information on Bereavement

Soul Midwives

Get to Know Your Loved One More Deeply

Anne Orchard — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:31:35 +0000

When faced with the possibility of the loss of a loved one, we often gain great clarity about the things that are really important in life. We often find ourselves able to forgive more freely and love more deeply when we are thrust into the possibility of such tremendous loss. In this way, cancer can be a blessing to families, because it can heal petty wounds and bring family members who have drifted apart back together. For those who were already close, it can deepen the relationship further than you ever imagined. In Anne Orchard’s book, Their Cancer: Your Journey, she discusses deepening your relationship with your loved one who has cancer.

While the situation you are in can be used as a lens to look clearly at the whole of your life, there is one area in particular in which it can really make a difference. That is in your relationship with the person who has cancer. If you already have a good relationship, you will be amazed at how much deeper it can become. If you don’t, you now have an opportunity to address the problems.

Whilst writing this book, I have told lots of new people about my mother dying. Often they ask “Were you close?” – as if that meant it hurt more, or less, to lose her. The truth is that we weren’t – before the cancer. One of my aunts once told me that she thought I was very like Mum in her younger days. Perhaps that is why her disapproval of some of my life decisions was so strong, and why I never felt quite good enough for her.
My mother’s illness, for us, was an opening. Her attitude to me seemed to change, and certainly my attitude to her did. It was no longer important to defend my decisions or actions, only to build some kind of connection before it was too late. Of course, I now realise that it is never too late. If you are prepared to really hear your loved one, you will continue to learn about them even if they have died, as you remember old conversations.

If you let go of being attached to your end of the relationship; if you can forget about what you are getting out of it and just give, then you will have the space to feel your connection with your loved one either in person or in spirit.

They say that “every cloud has a silver lining”. Facing the death of a loved one can seem to carry nothing but grief. But, if the cloud of cancer has a silver lining, it must be that cancer strips away the surface hurts and misunderstandings and helps us to understand our loved ones better and love them more deeply. While it’s true that you may be nearing the end of your earthly and physical relationship with your loved one, these last months, weeks and days may be the most treasured of your lives.

The Process of Death

Anne Orchard — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:40:58 +0000

It’s important to go through the cancer journey with a positive and hopeful attitude. Today, more cancer patients than ever are beating the disease and living productive lives for many years. However, we all know that there are times when the outcome is not what we had hoped. In such cases, it’s important for close family members and caregivers to understand the process of death and be prepared for it.

No doubt you’re facing your loved one’s death with heartache and sadness. But, you may be facing it with trepidation, too. If you’ve never experienced the actual process of a loved one dying, you may be fearful and unsure of what to expect. Our minds hold images and predispositions about the experience of death that may be difficult to shake. Learning more about a person’s last earthly days can help us get through this experience with more comfort and can help us actually experience the event, rather than shrinking away from it.

Fiona’s first experience with the end of a loved one’s life came when her mother passed away. “I can tell you with in absolute truth that it changed my feelings about death forever,” she said. “I spent the last five days of my mother’s life by her side, and I will be forever grateful that I had this opportunity. I now truly see death as a part of a cycle because I witnessed a peaceful and prepared transition by my mother”. If you’re preparing to experience a loved one’s death with them, there are some things you might want to know.

The body can take days to shut down. During this time, it’s difficult to know how long your loved one will be cognizant. But, during their times of awareness, they are likely to be at peace about dying and intently working on their transition. In many cases, they will have some “unfinished business” that they need to attend to. This may be as simple as saying goodbye to a number of people, or they may have “revelations” that they need to make to certain loved ones. They may wish to give away certain items. Don’t try to stop your loved one from having these conversations or even giving away possessions. Their passing is easier for them when they feel that they have “finished up”.

At some point, your loved one may lose contact with their current setting. They may talk to you about past times and they may fret out loud about things they worried over in the past. Reassure them, but don’t try to convince them that their musings are not real. Their mind is combing through their life. Let them relive it at their own pace.

Your loved one may also begin to spend time in the “afterlife”. This concept may fall outside of your realm of beliefs, but it is not uncommon to hear those near death talking to loved ones who have gone on before them. Regardless of your own beliefs about an afterlife, allow them these conversations without prejudice. If you can, take comfort that they are seeing those they have loved and may be looking forward to reuniting with them.

During this time of transition, your loved one will lose interest in the trappings of this life. They’re not likely to ask for food or drink. As their body shuts down, they will no longer feel hungry or thirsty. Forcing food and drink at this time may actually cause them discomfort, as their body will have more trouble with digestion as it begins to shut down.

Finally, your loved one may lose consciousness for some time before death occurs. This is normal, and you can rest assured that they are likely in no pain or discomfort. You can still feel free to talk to them and reassure them. Experts on death typically say that hearing is the last sense to fade away. They may feel your presence and your words even though they cannot respond.

Death will likely come very quietly. And, you may be surprised to find that you are more comfortable sitting with your loved one’s body than you expected. It’s ok to take some time before letting their body be transported away.

We’ve all had a loved one die – but not all of us have been a part of another’s final experiences. The prospect of being with a person when they die can be very frightening. However, it can also be a fitting end to a long relationship and a life experience that you will treasure years down the road.

Creating Your Own Funeral Service

Anne Orchard — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 11:51:12 +0000

Creating your own funeral service is the opportunity to write with a dedicated person who is an interfaith minister and spiritual counsellor a service of your own choosing. Whether you choose a ceremony to be religious, non-religious or spiritual, I believe the importance lies in your personal beliefs and values which matter most.

In creating a beautiful heartfelt ceremony yourself, you immediately take the trauma and responsibility off the shoulders of those whom you love, and who are trying to come to terms with their sad loss. It is also a valid point of course that everyone does have an opinion, and a funeral service created by you whilst still here also has the advantage of guarding against any angst or falling out between ones remaining relatives.

This is a time of great emotion, and by experience I have found just how difficult it can be for the bereaved to be asked to try and recall past memories, and to think about the choice of music that was loved by the deceased and maybe what poems, hymns or readings they would have liked. At this point mundane everyday matters truly are enough to be coping with I am sure.

What is an interfaith minister and spiritual counsellor?

An interfaith minister has been trained by The Interfaith Seminary UK which holds the view that there are ‘many paths, one truth’. An interfaith minister embraces and honours all faith traditions whilst being a part of none. The Interfaith Seminary believes there is One God, One Truth and that many paths lead to the Source of All, therefore is totally inclusive valuing the spirit of unity and love. This Seminary trains open hearted, spiritually inspired men and women to understand and appreciate the astounding diversity within the human family, yet to focus on our common experience and be a powerful presence of peace in whatever field of service they choose.

It’s Your Funeral

There is only one thing we can be sure of in life and that is we are all going to move on to other realms sometime. Remember when the ceremony is planned and takes place you won’t be there, it is too late then to have your say as everyone else then will.

Life is sacred and whilst we have a choice why not take it and create a ceremony that will be a unique heartfelt occasion that will fulfil your wishes, and be able to live long in the memories of those left behind as well as being a source of great comfort to them all. The service will then reflect the authenticity of your life and be a true celebration of it well lived in all of its rainbow colours.

What To Do Now?

Contact me Reverend Valery Coburn and I will meet with you to guide you through the process of creating your unique funeral service. I have been creating services for weddings as well as funerals and other celebration ceremonies for approaching ten years now. It truly is my joy and privilege to support you at this sensitive time.

After this is completed and you are happy with it, it becomes your document to do with as you wish. My suggestion would be that you put it with your will, give it to your executor or solicitor or close family member. I would also advise that you let your family know of its existence so when the time comes there is no worry for them.

The family are welcome to contact me to hold that service for you, but are under no obligation to do that of course. Anyone can take a funeral service, but it is my opinion that a professional person such as myself can make a difference, as we not only have the knowledge and expertise but the sensitivity for the occasion.

In Conclusion

Support beyond the occasion is always available. I am a spiritual counsellor and that is a very important part of my ministry. If I can be of service to you or to any one you may know at any time please feel you can contact me for meaningful heartfelt support and guidance.

A death is always shocking even if expected, saying goodbye to loved ones is a painful and heart rending experience , but life is always precious and should be honoured, celebrated and respected.

As in Life so in Death.

Always with Love

Reverend Valery Coburn

Interfaith Minister Spiritual Counsellor and Mentor.

Telephone 01202 674 636

Email Valery@inspirationplus.net Web www.inspirationplus.net

When Christmas Brings Heartache

Anne Orchard — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:32:24 +0000

In the run-up to the festive season, we spare a thought for those who may be facing their last Christmas with, or first one without, a loved one as a result of a cancer diagnosis.

For most of us Christmas is a happy time. We may moan about the commercialism, the commitment and the relatives – but at heart this is a season for sharing time and abundance with those we love.

Anne Orchard has been thinking about those for whom things are not so simple – where a diagnosis of cancer means that a loved one is not expected to live another year, or where they have died since last Christmas. Of course the loss of a loved one can continue to affect us for many years, but the first Christmas without them is particularly challenging and poignant.

‘We weren’t aware of having a last Christmas with Mum’ says Anne, whose mother died in 1991 from brain tumours. ‘The first I knew that she was having headaches and difficulty reading was when my Dad took me aside and let me know she would need more help with the catering. I had no idea this meant we would soon be losing her.’

‘The following year, we faced the first Christmas we had known without the usual Christmas dinner cooked by Mum – and all the other parties we used to have at that time’, Anne recalls. ‘It was such a challenge that we felt unable to be in the family home, and my sister took care of us instead. We even had a goose for the main meal, anything to be different from how things were when Mum was alive.’

In some households, a decision is taken to ‘carry on for the children’, and this can give us some sign of hope. Children seem to be more able to live for the moment. They still enjoy the day and their presents even when there is a sad situation around them. This can give us a clue of one way we can cope ourselves – to choose to set aside our worries for the day.

Here are some tips for handling this situation based on the principles from Anne’s book ‘Their Cancer – Your Journey : A Traveller’s Guide for Carers, Family and Friends’:

Accept that family members may not all agree on how the cancer affects what they want to do at Christmas. Allow them their own opinions – you may find that not everyone joins in the same celebration together, and that is fine.
If your loved one is still alive, ask them what would make it the ‘best Christmas’ for them. Forget tradition, unless that is what they want. Go for fun and love, and resolve to leave all worries aside for just that day.
If you are spending your first Christmas without a loved one, consider ignoring the traditional celebrations altogether. Instead you could get together with others to remember and celebrate the life of the person you lost.

If cancer has become a part of your life, it will alter the way you feel at Christmas. Remember to share how you feel – your hopes and fears – and you will be able to build deeper connections with others. This is, after all, the true spirit of Christmas.

Anne’s Father’s Tale

Anne Orchard — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:06:43 +0000

I am the proud father of Anne Orchard, author of Their Cancer – Your Journey, so a version of my journey has already been told in that book. However, reading through the proofs for that book (and throwing in my twopenn’orth), has reminded me of my experiences at the time my wife Barbara was gradually succumbing to her brain tumour.

By one of those events which seem bad at the time, but which, providentially, have unforeseen advantages, I had recently been made redundant, which meant I was available to be with her virtually full-time. I think this helped her a good deal, perhaps especially when I was reading to her from the Bible. Mainly this was from her favourite psalms, but we also got through much of the journey of the Israelites to their Promised Land, a journey which was being undertaken by Barbara in parallel. I suspect that my attempts at cooking were rather less popular.

We were both keen members of The New Church, which, in spite of its title, has been in existence in this country for over 200 years. Its teachings are based on those of the Swedish genius Emanuel Swedenborg, which include comforting revelations about life after the death of the earthly body and I am sure that we were both helped by our beliefs during what was not an easy time.

I think the hardest thing was seeing Barbara’s faculties slowly decreasing, which was so like seeing a child slowly developing new skills, but sadly in reverse. The thing that really cracked me up was when the wonderful lady managed, with great difficulty, to communicate to me that she would not worry were I to marry again. (This seemed out of the question at the time, but it has happened, and I have been blessed with a second wonderful wife. Swedenborg’s teaching that after death we shall be united with our perfect partner, whether we have met them on earth or not, looks like being fully tested! I am happy to leave it to The Lord.)

From diagnosis to Barbara’s death was about seven months, and for me at least, that seemed about the best possible length – assuming the event had to happen at all. I think it must be very difficult to come to terms with a sudden death, and a prolonged period of incapacitation must be very wearing. (However I can well believe, though I was not aware of it at the time, that Barbara would have preferred to have died earlier.) During the time of her illness I did, though, feel that we became incredibly close.

At first, of course, I tried to do anything I could to prolong Barbara’s life – perhaps regardless of her real wishes. (I now feel sure that I should have listened more.) We went to the Bristol Cancer Help Centre, and did our best to follow most of the therapies and medication that they recommended at the time, including meditation, reflexology and a medicine based on (I think) mistletoe, which we were able to obtain through our GP – without invalidating benefit of that was that a version of the diet recommended at Bristol has considerably helped my breathing difficulties. (Another beneficial side effect of what otherwise seemed bad.) I also got a stairlift fited which meant that, until she was completely bedridden, Barbara was able to come downstairs during the day and still sleep in our own bed at night.

In general my attitude was just to carry on as best I could from day to day, although obviously some planning ahead had to be undertaken. Our doctor was very helpful and organised plenty of help from the District Nurses when that became necessary. (I must admit, though, that I felt quite resentful when some tasks, personal and unpleasant in themselves, were taken away from me!) My main relief during this period was to go out for little local walks while someone else was sitting with Barbara and then to take part in an open-air Shakespeare production, which required a lot of help from family and friends for rehearsals, although Barbara was in a hospice during the actual production. It also involved my growing a big bushy beard, which Barbara hated. Fortunately I was able to shave it off for the last couple of months of her life.

After Barbara had died and the immediate pressing matters had been dealt with I went off to walk the Cotswold Way – the only time I have ever, before or since, done a long distance walk from start to finish in one spell. This gave me a chance to think about what had happened in the last year and during the thirty years we had been married, and helped me to come to terms with it all, possibly because there were so many reminders of death – ranging from Neolithic tombs to country churchyards and wayside memorials. Perhaps the most moving was coming across, in a remote church, and ancient Bible open at Psalm 128 from which the verse ‘Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the side of thy house: thy children like olive plants about thy table’ jumped out at me. It took a while for my to come to terms with that, true though it had been.

The final task I undertook (as Anne has described in her book) was to put together an album of photographs of Barbara throughout her too short life. Then I did my best to throw myself into various activities old and new. The main new one was to take advantage of the Ramblers Association membership which Anne had given me the previous Christmas, but which I had not been able to use hitherto. This in turn led to my meeting Marion, who has now been my wife for fifteen years. A final blessing coming from adversity.

Jeff Lomax

» Families Facing Cancer – Helping carers to cope with cancer

Cancer Caregivers Must Make Difficult Decisions

Recommended Reading

With Cancer or Not, Death is a Natural Part of Life

Recommended Reading

Bringing Someone Ill with Cancer to Your Home

Recommended Reading

Choosing and Understanding Hospice for Cancer Care

Recommended Reading

Further Resources

Being Told the Cancer is Terminal

When you are told the cancer is terminal, what does this mean?

Recommended Reading

Further Resources

Get to Know Your Loved One More Deeply

The Process of Death

Creating Your Own Funeral Service

When Christmas Brings Heartache

Anne’s Father’s Tale