Being Told the Cancer is Terminal
When you are told the cancer is terminal, what does this mean?
There are two different scenarios in which you may be ‘told it’s terminal’. One is sort of by default, where the cancer is diagnosed but no treatment to cure is offered. The second is where much treatment has been tried, but it turns out to have been a losing battle, or where time has allowed the cancer to grow and damage the body beyond repair. At this point there is no further purpose in trying to get rid of the cancer. These two scenarios are in fact very different.
The first is the situation we found ourselves in when my mother was diagnosed with secondary brain tumours. Even then, I’m not sure anyone really spelled out at the beginning that this meant she was likely to die. That’s just not what they say. In any case the medical staff would certainly not have been able at that stage to answer the next big question – how long do we have together?
In fact they would have been as well not to answer. My friend’s sister, Fern, was also in this kind of situation. She was diagnosed, after much uncertainty and pain, with a tumour on her spine. Fern was told that the hospital could offer treatment, but it would only prolong her life for a short time. (The original projection for her life was two weeks.) Fern’s reaction was to demand the treatment – and she did the rest. She got better, raised her children and is still healthy today, over 20 years later.
This is why doctors are often reluctant to make predictions, because they know how easily they could be wrong. So even though it is frustrating not to have a crystal ball, you should regard this as a good thing. The uncertainty means that there are still possibilities – your loved one isn’t gone just because someone handed them a diagnosis. The uncertainty works in your favour.
The second scenario is more like the situation we were in when the Macmillan nurses finally said to my father and me, “You do know she will die very soon, now, don’t you?” Although of course we were not glad to lose her, there was a great feeling of relief. Finally someone had given us an indication of how much longer it would be. They were able to let us know that she would be gone in days rather than weeks, and in fact she lived about a week and a half after that day.
This may seem late to get some kind of a timescale, but I’m afraid that is the nature of the human body. It’s unpredictable, because the thoughts of the person living inside it determine so much of how it lives, and fades. There are people like Fern who simply won’t be told they’re going to die, and others who are expected to live for a few months, but slip away within weeks.
It is likely that you will not find out that you are in this second type of scene until the end is close at hand. Don’t be shocked and horrified if either you or others (including the cancer host) seem relieved. Being ill with cancer, or supporting someone else who is, can be just plain exhausting. If you’re told you can’t win, then it can be very peaceful to accept that this phase of life is ending, whether it’s your body that’s going to die or another’s.
If you reach this time it would be a good idea to visit www.soulmidwives.co.uk, and to talk to those who can ease your loved one’s passing. You can also explore our information on Bereavement and begin addressing your feelings about the loss to come.
This is an extract taken from ‘Their Cancer – Your Journey’ by Anne Orchard. To get your own copy of this book visit Their Cancer – Your Journey Book Information
Recommended Reading
Their Cancer – Your Journey by Anne Orchard
Further Resources
More Information on End of Life Issues
