I am the proud father of Anne Orchard, author of Their Cancer – Your Journey, so a version of my journey has already been told in that book. However, reading through the proofs for that book (and throwing in my twopenn’orth), has reminded me of my experiences at the time my wife Barbara was gradually succumbing to her brain tumour.

By one of those events which seem bad at the time, but which, providentially, have unforeseen advantages, I had recently been made redundant, which meant I was available to be with her virtually full-time. I think this helped her a good deal, perhaps especially when I was reading to her from the Bible. Mainly this was from her favourite psalms, but we also got through much of the journey of the Israelites to their Promised Land, a journey which was being undertaken by Barbara in parallel. I suspect that my attempts at cooking were rather less popular.

We were both keen members of The New Church, which, in spite of its title, has been in existence in this country for over 200 years. Its teachings are based on those of the Swedish genius Emanuel Swedenborg, which include comforting revelations about life after the death of the earthly body and I am sure that we were both helped by our beliefs during what was not an easy time.

I think the hardest thing was seeing Barbara’s faculties slowly decreasing, which was so like seeing a child slowly developing new skills, but sadly in reverse. The thing that really cracked me up was when the wonderful lady managed, with great difficulty, to communicate to me that she would not worry were I to marry again. (This seemed out of the question at the time, but it has happened, and I have been blessed with a second wonderful wife. Swedenborg’s teaching that after death we shall be united with our perfect partner, whether we have met them on earth or not, looks like being fully tested! I am happy to leave it to The Lord.)

From diagnosis to Barbara’s death was about seven months, and for me at least, that seemed about the best possible length – assuming the event had to happen at all. I think it must be very difficult to come to terms with a sudden death, and a prolonged period of incapacitation must be very wearing. (However I can well believe, though I was not aware of it at the time, that Barbara would have preferred to have died earlier.) During the time of her illness I did, though, feel that we became incredibly close.

At first, of course, I tried to do anything I could to prolong Barbara’s life – perhaps regardless of her real wishes. (I now feel sure that I should have listened more.) We went to the Bristol Cancer Help Centre, and did our best to follow most of the therapies and medication that they recommended at the time, including meditation, reflexology and a medicine based on (I think) mistletoe, which we were able to obtain through our GP – without invalidating benefit of that was that a version of the diet recommended at Bristol has considerably helped my breathing difficulties. (Another beneficial side effect of what otherwise seemed bad.) I also got a stairlift fited which meant that, until she was completely bedridden, Barbara was able to come downstairs during the day and still sleep in our own bed at night.

In general my attitude was just to carry on as best I could from day to day, although obviously some planning ahead had to be undertaken. Our doctor was very helpful and organised plenty of help from the District Nurses when that became necessary. (I must admit, though, that I felt quite resentful when some tasks, personal and unpleasant in themselves, were taken away from me!) My main relief during this period was to go out for little local walks while someone else was sitting with Barbara and then to take part in an open-air Shakespeare production, which required a lot of help from family and friends for rehearsals, although Barbara was in a hospice during the actual production. It also involved my growing a big bushy beard, which Barbara hated. Fortunately I was able to shave it off for the last couple of months of her life.

After Barbara had died and the immediate pressing matters had been dealt with I went off to walk the Cotswold Way – the only time I have ever, before or since, done a long distance walk from start to finish in one spell. This gave me a chance to think about what had happened in the last year and during the thirty years we had been married, and helped me to come to terms with it all, possibly because there were so many reminders of death – ranging from Neolithic tombs to country churchyards and wayside memorials. Perhaps the most moving was coming across, in a remote church, and ancient Bible open at Psalm 128 from which the verse ‘Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the side of thy house: thy children like olive plants about thy table’ jumped out at me. It took a while for my to come to terms with that, true though it had been.

The final task I undertook (as Anne has described in her book) was to put together an album of photographs of Barbara throughout her too short life. Then I did my best to throw myself into various activities old and new. The main new one was to take advantage of the Ramblers Association membership which Anne had given me the previous Christmas, but which I had not been able to use hitherto. This in turn led to my meeting Marion, who has now been my wife for fifteen years. A final blessing coming from adversity.

Jeff Lomax